These Sincere Words

Lately, I feel like Travis is everywhere. Tests, IMs, and even in pictures on facebook. I swear I blocked all of the friends that I thought would put any up. I can't get away from him as hard as I try. And I am trying. Granted, I was the one to text him last week. But all I was really trying to do was to tell him about Tim. Because for some reason I felt like he deserved it. And I was very civil about it and I didn't mention anything about us. Because there's nothing that needs to be said. He has Alissa and appears to be very happy. And I have Tim and I am very happy.

And then he texted me and said that he couldn't talk to me anymore because he didn't want to risk anything with Alissa. I laughed it off, because I know that my boyfriend's better than that. [yes, I am a ten-year-old at heart.] I tell him everything about Travis, and he understands. If he is worried about something, he tells me and we talk about it. But he's not threatened, and he doesn't have any reason to be. The situation's a little sticky, I'll admit. But it is what it is.

After that text, I was totally fine. It didn't bother me in the slightest. Then this week he IMed me. He tried to apologize for saying that he couldn't talk to me anymore, that he didn't want to yo-yo me. Which is what he was doing anyway, but that's beside the point. And then he asked me about the dream that I had about him a few weeks ago. I told him that he didn't want to hear about it. And he said he had a dream about me too, but he couldn't remember it. I told him that the dream was really hard for me to get over and I'd rather forget about it. And I told him how good Tim was about the whole thing. And I said, "be is really good about me working to get rid of any feelings that I may still have for you." He told me that reading that stung. I told him that I figured i could be frank since he was over me.

And then he told me that he wasn't over me.

Cue the ton of bricks.

But I got back up with amazing grace and said that I don't keep things from Tim because even the smallest thing would make me feel guilty. Even if it wasn't anything. So I tell him everything, and he gets it. I was very proud of myself.

And then he told me he misses little things, misses me.

Ton. Of. Bricks.

And without even a second to recover, he said this. "Honestly, I still cant picture either of us marrying other people."

What The Fuck? Really?

This is what I said. "What purpose is that last statement supposed to serve?"

Somehow I just keep getting back up.

And then I lost it a little. I gave into his games. I told him that what he said fucked me up a little. And I told him that I was trying not to say all the things that I had inside of me because it wouldn't help anything. And what did he say? He told me to write him a letter. To tell him the things that I didn't want to say.

Here's what I really want to say to you. I'm okay. My life is not dependent on you being in it. I'm finally happy and it's taken seven months to get to that point. It's been seven months since we last had anything. It's been exactly one year and one month to the very day since we broke up last. And it's been three years and three months since you started at UCLA and everything got so fucked up to begin with. Now, that's either three years and three months that I've wasted, or not. I'm not sure because no one can predict the future. But I am as positive as humanly possible that we were done seven months ago. And damn it. If you are going to be happy with someone else, could you at least let me take a stab at my own happiness?

I'm happy with Tim. I like him about as much as you can like someone before taking the next step. And sometimes even that line is hazy. I'm not saying this to hut you. But I told you that it would. These things that you say, they hurt me too. Because whether or not I believe that we are truly over, there is still a place in my heart for you. There always will be. You rocked my world in a way that no one ever has. And then you rocked it about twenty more times. And finally I had enough.

After seven months and a few of the most recent ones yo-yo-ing back and forth between forbidden and almost friendship, I tried to reach out in a completely platonzic way. I guess if I'm not the one that's willing to drop bombs, I should have know you would. But I thought that you had really changed. I thought that you were really over me. I'm sorry that I was mistaken.

Please, I'm begging you, just let me be happy.

These Beaten Words

I feel very broken down. Beaten by life. Lost.

I thought for sure that this was the path that I was meant to take. This was going to solve all my problems. I was going to find myself in Europe. I was going to make my own memories and be happy just being with myself. I was going to put the past three years behind me and start fresh. Without any marks on my record or bad feelings toward others and myself. I was going to follow my passion. I was going to live for me, to make myself proud.

Following your dreams is supposed to be priceless.

Turns out, it costs about 17,000 more than I could ever possibly supply on my own. And all I really have is me, right? My whole life has been spent sacrificing myself for others. To make my parents proud. To be a good role model. To look good on paper. To seem completely put together and without fault to the outside world. To give all that I had to satisfy the dreams of the man I loved.

And what do I have to show for it? An ex-boyfriend. A dead grandma. A father who cares more about himself than I'm sure he ever did about me, even in his moments of glory. A mother that's even more fucked up than I am. A two-year degree that I earned in three. And people that have absolutely no clue who I am or what I'm about, other than what they read here, judging me.

All I asked for was some help. Just once. I wanted to do something for me. But the people who have the means to help me refuse to do so. They don't believe it's the right choice for my life so they don't want a hand in it. I got myself all the way to this point. The point where I hand over the money and they say, "Thank you, someone will be there to pick you up at the airport on January 21st and take you to your apartment." But I just needed a little help getting that money. And now it's out of my hands. I can't go because I'm all alone in this. Because when it comes down to it, there's really no one there to boost me up.

And it would have meant everything to me if my Dad did this for me. It would have done wonders to begin healing the gaping wounds in my heart that he has caused. If he could have just been here for me for once in his life. But he wasn't. And he isn't.

All I have is myself.
And sometimes that is just not enough.

These Musical Words for November

Whatever You Like | Anya Marina
Don't Cha | Colbie Caillat*
Say | John Mayer
Russian Roulette | Rihanna
Crush'd | Say Anything
Two is Better Than One | Boys Like Girls
Children of Divorce | Jonny Craig
LaLaLa | LMFAO
Favorite Girl | Justin Bieber
Party in the USA | Miley Cyrus

*

These Completed Words

I did it! I finished NaBloPoMo 2009. I didn't expect to actually post every single day, but I sure wanted to try.

I wrote about my coworker's wedding, my impending trip to Europe and setbacks in my journey.

I wrote about what my blog doesn't say about who I am, tripping to Texas for Thanksgiving, and a dream I had while I was there.

I wrote about cooking with my Halloween pumpkin,

not being an anonymous blogger, and then again about anonymity because I didn't feel like I got it all out on the first go around.

And I wrote a lot about Tim.

I only posted four Grace posts and seven filler posts. Most of those were during the week of Thanksgiving when I was on vacation. Over all, I'm very satisfied with the work that i put in this month. I'm probably not going to continue posting every single day, but I definitely think I'm going to keep a good rhythm for a while at least. And I'm looking forward to participating in 2010.

These Country Words

This week has been nothing like I expected it to be.

I expected lots of drama with my mama.

I expected to fight with my sister.

I expected to do a lot of stuff and always be really tired.

I expected to bond with family that I had rarely/never met.

None of those things happened, but it was rather amazing anyway. Probably better.

I got a lot closer with my brother, Ferf [His name is Christopher, long story]. I went to bed after 3am almost every night and woke up after 1pm almost every day. I had to come up with a lie to tell my mom so that my brother, sister, cousin, and I could go out on Friday night. I played card games [Nertz, Phase 10] and board games [Quelf] and drinking games[The Vegetable Game, Thumper]. And I'm going to miss them when I'm gone.

San Antonio is actually a place that I could live. I like it a lot. I would move if only I didn't have anything holding my in Cali, but that's where my heart is. I can't live without the people I love, the California summer sun, and the Kern River. So today I'm headed back home. I'll definitely be back to visit, but my heart lies in California.

These Surprised Words

I brought a boy to my Aunt Nikki's annual Halloween party. It was a boy that I had been seeing for a while and one that I cared about. I got drunk and we started making out. We were all but taking our clothes off when someone came in the room. We straightened up and went out to join the party.

A little while later, this really cute blonde girl and I started talking. We were getting flirty and, before we knew it, we were making out like we had been lesbians our whole lives. Again, someone came into the room and interrupted us, but this time it was to tell me that I needed to come outside. I asked why, but no one would tell me. They just insisted that I see who was waiting for me outside.

I walked outside and looked out the fence, and a blue truck was parked along the curb. I started freaking out, and looked inside the cab. Travis was sitting in the driver's seat, and when he saw me he started getting out. I just ran to the wrought iron fence and hurled myself over it to get to him. I was so incredibly happy at that moment that nothing else mattered. We hugged for what seemed like forever.

When we stopped hugging, the thoughts came rushing back.

What about the boy I care about?

What about the cute blonde girl I was just kissing?

Why is he here?

What are my family thinking right now?

What should I do?

Should I let him back in, just like that?

But in that moment, when we were hugging, everything was perfect.

...and then I woke up.

These Deciphered Words

Words Women Use and What They Really Mean:

• Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

• Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so it’s an even trade.

• Nothing - This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”.

• Go Ahead - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

• Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

• Go Ahead (Neutral Expression) - This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

• Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

• Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

• That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”.

• Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

• Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

• Thanks A Lot - This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

I just couldn't resist this. It's so on point!

[via littlemiss on tumblr]

These Thankful Words

[via images by tracey on flickr]

I'm thankful for:

• My family who loves me no matter what.
• The opportunity to go on a great adventure.
• Having a guy in my life that might actually like me for me, and who I already know will treat me well.
• Moving on.
• My life.

What are you thankful for today?

These Starry Words

5 celebrities you’d marry/date.

1. Lance Bass

2. Jim Sturgess

3. Joshua Jackson

4. Joe Jonas

5. William Beckett

5 celebrities you want to be best friends with.

1. Taylor Swift

2. Jennifer Aniston

3. Jamie Tworkowski

4. Katie Holmes

5. Neil Patrick Harris

5 celebrities you’d knock off the face of the earth.

1. Speidi Pratt

2. Kanye West

3. Sarah Palin

4. Tom Cruise

5. P. Diddy

These Motherly Words

In keeping with the theme of being with my mother this week, I thought I'd share some quotes from my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother.

[Bagpipes 5.06]

Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds.

Ted: A half?

Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space.

::::

Robin: There was one small dispute about which one of us was more awesome. We just called it a tie and had sex.

::::

Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?

::::

Marshall: I don’t care if the dishes are done, okay? If you care, you do it!

Lily: Great! Then I don’t care if you have an orgasm! If you care, you do it!

Marshall: I went 18 years without the touch of a woman, I can do it again!

Lily: You might have to!

::::

Marshall: Aw, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys; adorable. Son, I’ve been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama’s Casio; I’m a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kickass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I’ve forgotten more about microwavin’ fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you’ll ever know; but thanks for your concern, rook.

::::

[Dual Citizenship 5.05]

Barney: Canada’s not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day.

::::

Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?

Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?

::::

[Definitions 5.01]

Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming a girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.

Ted: Gremlins?

Barney: Gremlins. Rule number one, “Never get them wet.” In other words don’t let her take a shower at your place. Number two, “Keep them away from sunlight.” I.e., don’t ever see them during the day. And rule number three, “Never feed them after midnight.” Meaning she doesn’t sleep over and you don’t have breakfast with her, ever.

Ted: What about brunch, is brunch cool?

Barney: No Ted, brunch is not cool.

Ted: Ok, new topic, how do I pick a tie?

Barney: Simple, remember in the movie Predator?

::::

[Three Days Rule 4.21]

Barney: Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.

::::

[Not A Father's Day 4.07]

Barney: God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.

::::

[Wooo! 4.08]

Marshall: This is awesome! Drinking at work.

Barney: We're basically mad men.

Marshall: We are! We're such Mad Men.

Barney: I'm gonna go smack a secretary on the ass.

Marshall: That's totally what they would do on that show.

Barney: What show?

::::

[Something Borrowed 2.21]

Marshall: Look at my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!

Barney: You do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys. The older, lame-dance-move, comeback-tour Backstreet Boys.

Ted: “The good Backstreet Boys”?

::::

[Belly Full Of Turkey 1.09]

Barney: I’m the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.

::::

[Sweet Taste of Liberty 1.03]

Barney: It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!